I don't know why you say goodbye, I say hello

it's the last day of class, and it also marks the last day of the MA program. we congregate at koerners for rounds of beer, wings, euro 2008 and shuffleboard. it is familiar, it is comfortable, i find myself laughing over silly jokes and trash-talking the opposing team in shuffleboard. my team wins the first round incidentally and i leave early to go meet sarah before the second round is even done (although already, we were leading 9 to 1). i wave good bye to a group of people who have travelled with me through an arduous journey of math, models and strange problem sets.

i bask in the sun whilst waiting for sarah, letting my thoughts meander and the various emotions that i cycle through every day wash over me. i struggle with a crossword that i picked up from the newsstand. and as i finish the sudoku section (having given up on the crossword puzzle), sarah comes just in time to envelope me with a hug.

it is easy, it is familiar

i find myself laughing with sarah, pouring out easily my thoughts and opinions. there is no need to hold back. it is easy to reconnect with an old friend from a different journey in my life. and there is the sense that we have never said goodbye, our friendship has and always will continue.

it is familiar, it is bittersweet

as i bid sarah goodbye, i find two missed calls on my phone. both from don, replying a message i left earlier asking if he needed US dollars for his seattle trip. i return his call as i cross the semi-busy streets of campus. there is a strange comfort that exists between us. it is fragile, and the two of us are trying. he reminds me of how today was potentially the last time we would see some of our classmates and how the casual goodbyes seem to lack the substance of what we really want to say. the experience of the MA program has been intense. in a brief period of time, we, have as a group, met up almost everyday and struggled over the same problems for extensive hours. and suddenly, it seems we would never see some of us again.. or anytime soon anyway.

it is bittersweet, and what of now?

i am waiting at the tennis courts for marc. it seems that i do a lot of waiting these days. i am thinking of the different people walking in and out of my life. some returning, some leaving for good. my thoughts return to one person, our phone conversation, and the ambitions and plans discussed. i have shared in these goals and dreams but such sharing is no longer available to me. i think about the question that sarah asked me "what happens next to the relationship when you return to singapore? will you still keep in contact?" i don't know. it's not up to me. life is lived with different agents, each with the will to craft their own path, the resulting highway system and network of roads are still unknown to me.


with some people, i have always felt that the friendship doesn't end, even if the current close journey and companionship does.
and with regards to sarah's question, i guess all i can say is that i am waiting to see.

you say goodbye, i say hello