proposal handed in. fingers crossed.

Had a really good conversation with C today. Its been a long time since we've met up, but he's always been someone with whom its easy to catch up with. In some senses, I think its the way he is, a pretty fascinating individual who seems pretty much unafraid to see himself as he is. I know that this is someone who will not mince his words with me. And for that, I know I myself value his opinion.

Anyhow, meeting up with C made me think about life paths. Its a constant theme with me, partly because I think I gave up the conventional route and am trying to be my own trailblazer. Being back in Singapore, I've met resistance and challenges from some, who fairly questioned my choice of career and life. It's not that I don't want the same things in life now: income, a partner, my own home, family, etc. But its that I am simply not ready to give up the other things without at least giving it a go. So in a hierarchy of choices, I am deliberately putting some things on the back burner, and pursuing other things now.

Back in 2009, before I left to start my program, C and I had coffee one day. At that time, I was still at my job, and I told C about the choice that I had to leave and start my phd. I told him the trade-offs and the pros and cons I was mulling over. I remember C listening and at the end of it , he told me something to this effect " You're telling me all this, but it sounds like you're ready to go.". he was right. my feet were already pointed in that direction.

so this is it, where i stand, where i hope, what i wish to become.

and for all those still shifting their feet, a little something from mr. bukowski. you can disagree but to me its about whether you really want to grab it (whatever it is) by the horns and do battle with it.

so you want to be a writer?

if it doesn't come bursting out of you
in spite of everything,
don't do it.
unless it comes unasked out of your
heart and your mind and your mouth
and your gut,
don't do it.
if you have to sit for hours
staring at your computer screen
or hunched over your
typewriter
searching for words,
don't do it.
if you're doing it for money or
fame,
don't do it.
if you're doing it because you want
women in your bed,
don't do it.
if you have to sit there and
rewrite it again and again,
don't do it.
if it's hard work just thinking about doing it,
don't do it.
if you're trying to write like somebody
else,
forget about it.

if you have to wait for it to roar out of
you,
then wait patiently.
if it never does roar out of you,
do something else.
if you first have to read it to your wife
or your girlfriend or your boyfriend
or your parents or to anybody at all,
you're not ready.

don't be like so many writers,
don't be like so many thousands of
people who call themselves writers,
don't be dull and boring and
pretentious, don't be consumed with self-
love.
the libraries of the world have
yawned themselves to
sleep
over your kind.
don't add to that.
don't do it.
unless it comes out of
your soul like a rocket,
unless being still would
drive you to madness or
suicide or murder,
don't do it.
unless the sun inside you is
burning your gut,
don't do it.

when it is truly time,
and if you have been chosen,
it will do it by
itself and it will keep on doing it
until you die or it dies in
you.

there is no other way.

and there never was.

--- Charles Bukowski, So you want to be a writer