we are the transients, or at least I am

prompted by H's post:

funnily enough, G, T and myself had this conversation in NY about what home is and where home is for each of us. T and myself find that we're still the transients. home is neither the one we grew up in nor is it the place that we're currently residing. Despite that, I don't think either of us has a strong need or desire to settle or establish a sense of belonging to a place. i guess our generation is a pretty mobile one with our centre of gravity not tied to any one community.if we had to speak of anything permanent, then all i can say is that right now, i know where i came from, what that has made me and that i am at peace, at ease where the other is. that's enough for me today.

I remember R asking me one day what had changed. and didn't I want to come back home? I recall saying that it wasn't a sudden overnight decision, but that upon returning back in 2008 to Singapore, I had never been fully at ease with myself there. There was always something that was searching and seeking for more, that wasn't ready to settle and that certainly wanted to climb new heights and see more of the world. I never wanted to look through life through somebody else's lens. and my rebellion has always been a quieter, more muted one. it comes in the form of a stubbornness to let anyone dictate who and how i should be, and a rejection of any conformity that did not fit me.

so when i left in 2009, i never looked back. I had chosen the road i wanted to be on (whether or not I could make it) but i left behind alot of things that was secure, sure and stable. Yet in alot of ways, i feel more sure in myself than I was in the safe environment of Singapore. I am certainly less volatile and less dissatisfied. Perhaps its age and I'm mellowing out. Or maybe its because I've discovered more of the things and people i love. Maybe its the gift of living in this generation and time; with technology, web videocalls and more, i find myself tied to many and yet still mobile and free. I feel like I am a sailor out at sea, but with many harbours to rest and come home to.

i'm not beholden to no one , but i am not tethered. To be so un-formulated perhaps makes all the difference to me.