Some notes:

“Try to understand men. If you understand each other you will be kind to each other. Knowing a man well never leads to hate and almost always leads to love.”
― John Steinbeck

Looking back, I think when I was younger, i believed the ultimate gift you could give someone was love. I believed that if we could reach out and love, the world would be a better place and at some point in my idealistic youth, i considered being a social worker or a teacher or some profession that put me in the place of being able to give.

When I told others of this, outside my safe bubble of church friends, i was met with smirks and smug smiles. My naivete was exposed and my belief that the world could go round on love, on grace, on compassion was indulged but pretty much ridiculed. I learnt that people respected power and that thinking such simple thoughts was not always approved of and that people didn't really want to give their time of the day to "fluffy" thoughts. To some extent, they had a point. I had grown up with a silver spoon in my mouth, I didn't know what it meant to be poor, to be in need or want. I had no clue how to reach those who were in need and i was never in the company of the needy. I was always kept in my safe tower, my little bubble and I was free to spout these ideas about love and compassion etc, but really there was a valid question as to whether any of these thoughts would translate into action.

So as I grew older, I learnt to shed this part of me. I realized that being an expert was important if you wanted to get people to listen to you, and that notions had to be substantiated; efforts had to be made to test the theory. making something of yourself sometimes meant learning how to play other people's game and importantly, it also meant taking ownership of your own work, proving that you could walk your own talk and seeing things through.

All this was well and good because in living, nobody can make your life for you. You have to work out your story on your own. but lately, as I contemplate life again, I find myself returning to the same point that I started out with. That the individual is released from loneliness when there is an outpouring of affection, that a friendly soul and warm touch is enough to break the bars that keep one in isolation. I look at my friends and peers around me, and it is those who have loved me greatly and extended patience and kindness towards me that i have found to be my greatest teachers in my life.

it is D's patience that humbles me and reminds me that I am often too quick to judge, and that invariably, I sometimes end up being the exact type of person i mock.

it is R's generosity that reminds that there are different ways to care and that the quiet virtues are often too quickly overlooked.

it is P, Ph, and G's ever-present friendships that have guided me through murky waters and who have soothed the fretful mess of a person, and reminded me that bridges should never be burnt

and it is S, who in so many ways has surprised me and reminded me that honesty, kindness and perseverance is important in a person. it's funny, but with S, it seems i'm rediscovering again what it means to be real, to let go of trying to control others' perception of me as well as to discard my own preconceived notions.

So i'm back at square one again, learning and reminding myself to be kind. I have to remember that alongside the daily activities and aspirations, it is the currency of mercy that I should trade in.