when did i forget?

a long time ago, hannah and sarah taught me how it was all right to be the one in need. its not that i don't enjoy taking, gods no, i am no saint that only wishes to give. there are many occasions where i have taken advantage of another's goodwill and used them.

what's perhaps problematic is my desire to be self-sufficient. the word "needy" has such a negative connotation in our social relationships that I always wanted to avoid having that adjective applied to me. the words "respected" , "independent" and "capable" appealed to me more, and I tried to live in a way that would make those attributes second nature to me.

needless to say, sometimes -often times- I'm just not all those things. but the silly part comes in my own fear of asking, of being seen as needy and helpless. I am afraid of being deemed as a burden to anyone. yet, ironically, in this pursuit to be unnecessarily strong all the time, i discredit my own friends and acquaintances around me.

"give people the credit that they want to give too. " -sarah

yesterday, S reminded me of this. I was reluctant to let him help me even though god knows, the boy is smart and has given me a helluva load of constructive criticism with regards to my model. But even as he tried to assuage my fears and smooth my tangled nerves, i pushed back. i told him i was afraid that i was burdening him too much. his reply was simple.

"i'll tell you when you are a burden"

i forget this. that the human spirit can be magnanimous. in trying to be so self-secure and sufficient, one doesn't allow the other to be big and generous. we shut out the opportunities for the other to reach us and extend the warmth that naturally leads to an understanding and a human connection.

thank you hannah, sarah and S for being my teachers in both the little things and in life.