When I heard the learn’d astronomer;
When the proofs, the figures, were ranged in columns before me;
When I was shown the charts and the diagrams, to add, divide, and
measure them;
When I, sitting, heard the astronomer, where he lectured with much
applause in the lecture-room,
How soon, unaccountable, I became tired and sick;
Till rising and gliding out, I wander’d off by myself,
In the mystical moist night-air, and from time to time,
Look’d up in perfect silence at the stars.

— Walt Whitman

The beginning of love is to let those we love be perfectly themselves, and not to twist them to fit our own image. Otherwise we love only the reflection of ourselves we find in them.
— Thomas Merton

my friend posted this on facebook. posting it here for posterity sake and so that i don't forget.

everyday. 

i see this in you and i think you have what it takes to finish golden.

“Patience, he thought. So much of this was patience - waiting, and thinking and doing things right. So much of all this, so much of all living was patience and thinking.”  - Gary Paulsen

And for me to learn:

“ The word patience means the willingness to stay where we are and live the situation out to the full in the belief that something hidden there will manifest itself to us "- Henri Nouwen 

sometimes I think I am afraid of losing, but really, what it is: just my foolish pride.

i feel like a cat stretched out on the couch in the living room, the sun warming my skin .... writing out mathematical proofs....

almost i guess.

I am fortunate. I am fortunate enough to have been unlucky. Not a misprint. And learned from that unluck what to do. Life is a series of mistakes. It doesn’t matter. Love matters. By which I mean a certain open-heartedness. And a pleasure in the everyday and the ordinary. And knowing when someone is looking after you. And knowing how to be thankful. I worry that we are becoming too calculating. Always asking what the outcome will be, what the result will be, what the profit will be. What’s in it for me is a loveless response.A measure of delight changes everything. - Jeanette Winterson

my mom is still one of my biggest teachers. we were talking the other day about taiwan and comparing its cleanliness with Singapore and about how the Taiwanese were very courteous. And I asked my mom why she thought Singaporeans weren't as courteous. her answer was that courtesy (or rather the lack thereof) is just a byproduct of a selfish nature. As long as we're asking what's in it for me before any action, its unlikely we have the other person in mind to begin with.

sometimes i make fun of my mom for the number of commitments she has- things that she's not obligated to perform, but that she does anyway. She makes herbal soup for the widow who lives 2 floors above us because the widow has a sickly mother and so she's busy enough and my mom thinks that herbal soup will give her more strength and sustenance for the day. she still does grocery shopping for my brother and his family because my brother and sister-in-law both work , so she thinks doing this would save them time and let them breathe more easily after a long day at work. she emails me my niece's math homework questions, things that my mom doesn't know how to solve or explain, so she quickly writes to me so that she can figure out a way to explain the concept to my niece. she flew multiple trips to australia to take care of her friend (who had cancer) and packed off one of her friend's daughters to a day at the spa because she was so frazzled from taking care of her mom and her one year old toddler. i mean, these are things to me that seem like a nuisance at first glance, having to do so much extra work. but then i realize that they mean a lot to the other and that its probably a huge blessing to that other person.

so i'm trying not to be too arrogant but to be humble like my mom. because i think she is a great example to follow. i'm trying to remember to give and give because someone needs it, not because i can get something out of it or that i think the person deserves it. hopefully, one day, that calculating nature lessens and giving and delighting in others grows in its place

All the stars have fallen 

 From the sky 

 And everything else in between 

 Satelites have closed their eyes, the moon 

 Has gone to sleep 
- Jann Arden

moving spaces

i always prefer "stay"

break, repair
destroy, create
light up, dim down
placate, frustrate
despairing moments, perpetual joy

you and me, we always have the power to make or break. and even though it seems so innocuous, each action weighs such huge influence over the other.

but i love you. i do. 

the most terrifying fact about the universe is not that it is hostile, but that it is indifferent - kubrick 

i still haven't gotten used to leaving.

you can waste a whole lifetime trying to be
but at some point, you have to recognize what you can't control
let go and let be

i like the fact that we can enjoy the mundane, i look forward to something simple like playing kenken with you.

waiting again. 

hello moggy!!!!!

Atlas - U.A. Fanthorpe

There is a kind of love called maintenance
Which stores the WD40 and knows when to use it


Which checks the insurance, and doesn't forget
The milkman; which remembers to plant bulbs;


Which answers letters; which knows the way
The money goes; which deals with dentists


And road fund tax and meeting trains,
And postcards to the lonely; which upholds


The permanently rickety elaborate
Structures of living, which is Atlas


And maintenance is the sensible side of love,
Which knows that time and weather are doing
To my brickwork; insulates my faulty wiring;
Laughs at my dryrotten jokes; remembers
My need for gloss and grouting; which keeps
My suspect edifice upright in air,
As Atlas did the sky. 

pesky

it would help if my students didn't think that i held office hours all day. stop randomly walking in whenever you want.

i'm getting impatient, waiting for S to come back because i can't wait to start all our new adventures!!!

i'm going home in a bit, less than a month's time actually. Because the date keeps drawing nearer, i've been thinking about home somewhat more these days. Naturally, my nostalgic journey called to mind all the little idiosyncrasies I love about singapore.


1. the grumpy fierce hawker aunties. - these women are no nonsense, and if you haw and hem in front of their store, it means you're wasting their time and time means business. the hawker service thrives on the fact that its "fast food" (not in the typical sense of your burgers and fries) and these women work long hours standing, cooking, dealing with the heat from the gas stove whilst battling singapore's insane humid weather. a person deliberating over what he wants means a longer queue of customers behind him to deal with, and they get impatient with that. they take rapid-fire orders and somehow manage to commit all the details to memory.  and the end product is efficient - exactly what you ordered , complete with the little bags of chilli, chopsticks, disposable spoons inside your takeaway bag.

incidentally, the two hawker ladies that are deeply etched in my mind is the cashier at peninsula plaza who takes 5 different beverage orders at one time and rattles them off out loud to her compatriot who's making/serving the coffee or tea behind. "1 kopi gao, 2 kopi siu dai, 3 teh-si bing, 1 kopi-c-siu-dai, etc". if you've ever ordered local coffee in singapore, you know it can get more complex and confusing than your 2-shot vanilla latte with skim milk and extra foam.

the other lady i will always remember is the old auntie at chin mee chin kaya toast. that lady literally bangs down the plate at your table. but she's sharp despite her age and because this is in a coffee shop, she knows people stay to chat so she doesn't try to hurry people off, unlike her younger worker who tries to hasten people to move so that they can take in more customers.

2. the public transportation system - i know people complain in singapore that our public transportation system is crowded. but i think one reason why its very crowded, despite efforts to increase bus frequency (during peak hours, buses linking you to the city come every 7-10 minutes, which is more than i can say for public transportation here) is that everyone uses our public transportation system! and one reason for the widespread use is just how connected the buses and trains are to the whole of singapore (ok yes, it is a tiny country so perhaps its easy to connect everywhere). but what i mean to point out is that, over here, the people who use buses are those who can't afford cars and who are of lower income groups. you literally observe only a certain type of economic class when you board a bus here. that's something that stands in stark contrast with what i observe on a bus in singapore.

of course, there are times you want to avoid taking the bus in singapore... especially when its the after school period and you have a bunch of sweaty school boys pile onto the bus. that's when the air-conditioned bus definitely turns suffocating.

3. east coast park - the beach that wasn't naturally one. built on reclaimed land, the beach is not much of a sight to behold. but east coast park is still a reprieve from the city and its relative quietness as well as cool sea breeze brings a tranquility and peace that is a world apart from the hectic pace in singapore.  i have fond memories of playing in the area. its where my dad first taught me to cycle and my family used to go there on weekends to walk, run, bike. these occasions were then followed up with a meal of duck rice. and even though it was a very simple meal (literally roast duck on brown rice), i think my brother and i always looked forward to it.

east coast park would also be the place where my best friend in high school taught me how to roller blade. and also the first place where i ate dosas. thanks to sam and her love for indian food, she would drag me to eat dosas after having patiently watched me fall on my bum for the umpteenth time in an attempt to catch up with her on skates. junior college later introduced me into running and east coast park would be the venue for all my attempts to train at running. it would also be the spot where i whined and complained to all my running partners that i wanted to stop and where i will always remember max telling me "if you have the breath and stamina to complain while running, it means you're not running hard enough"

well that shut me up.

ok enough on memory lane. i'll be there soon anyway.