"i'm calling you on that."~ hannah

i want to be real.
but sometimes, i'm not aware, not careful to disentangle my own motives from supposed altruistic ones (not that that's really ever possible.. but just follow me on this ramble)
but kind of like what we discussed in IR theory, the danger lies in unacknowledged hypocrisy. we can fail to see what's wrong with what we're doing, and promote our interests as supposed community interests.

if i talk of being real, of being intentional with others.
i need to first be honest with myself.
how much of me is in this relationship for myself instead of for the other.
how much am i really doing in the pure intention of just seeking to build up the other and facilitate nurturance.
i need to be true
to myself and to the other.

death is not a natural cup of tea to the self

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in other news

my silver linings.

i was feeling kind of down after my 304 econ honours class. my prof decided to impersonate john nash in "a beautiful mind" and just went crazy in class with the math on the chalk board. everything was explained in a greek language. alpha delta lambda.
i felt my panic button being aggressively jammed and a huge jarring warning signal blared its trumpet in my brain. i have a midterm for this class next week and honestly i'm not doing so hot in it. i can stare at the problem sets and not even know where to begin.

so as i'm walking out of regent college, feeling distressed, my periphery vision singles out a group of big guys standing around. i don't really pay much attention to them, but as i walk past them, one of them starts imitating a dog and barking at me and following me.

i get annoyed. in my mind, i envision another frat boy or first year punk performing a dare to impress his friends. i ignore him at first but then i turn around and i have the most disagreeable look on my face, it's the kind of look that speaks "WHHHAATTT do you want????!!!"

i mentally contemplate actually doing the totally unexpected and say "what? you want a piece of this?? huh? HUH???"

but as i turn, i see that the supposed big frat boy.. is actually my friend joash and he's been trying to playfully get my attention.

my face breaks into a smile and i give him a big hug.

his little playful gesture, the mischief dancing in his eyes was all i needed to turn my day around.

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and if anyone is curious... it's highly doubtful that i could have taken on this guy from albuquerque anyway. he probably can benchpress my weight.