i don't want to judge but i know inwardly i do.

i have thoughts swimming in my head and it's hard to pin them down. so here are some scatterings of light, filtered through the shutters of blinds.

i've discovered yet again that humour is cultural, even sub-cultural. to share in a joke, to understand the language both verbal and bodily, requires a comprehension, a shared recognition of the familiar and the awkward. between cultures, everything is an inside joke (save for whatever fashionable practices transmited by globalisation and the television).

and yet it's not totally unfamiliar, seeing that this is the globalized world. sometimes i anticipate the pause followed by the sardonic punchline. it's almost as if actions are scripted, read, revised and practised over and over again, in various social situations. we mimic hollywood, pick-up those quirky catch-phrases and use them in our daily conversations even.

but then,
how do you respond when someone says something so scripted? do we then just reply according to that same script, read the line, deliver what's anticipated and wanted, but not necessarily ourselves.

plainly speaking, do we bring ourselves to conversations?
engage or impress or please?

recently, i met someone who has bought into a certain speech pattern that is familiar to a group of people. i wonder why he does so, why most people in that group speak that way, is it a signalling effect? a direct marker to indicate that i am your kind?

and then i'm faced with some line delivered that seems so contrived, how do i respond? and i feel on the outside of an inside joke, grinning a little stupidly.

i realise we both want to be friends, but for some reason i'm awkward around him and i dislike myself that way.
i see him as a potential great friend to kid around with but...
i just don't know how to act around him sometimes, like how am i supposed to respond to that?

seek not to be understood but to understand.
sometimes though i feel like i just don't get it.